Bad Advice (AKA If You Wanna Know...)
by Emily-Mel
Summary: Another shot at 1+2... Heero tries to tilt that + into an x


This is for all you 1+2 fans out there... I'll never understand what makes you tick ^_~  
  
Also, you little sweeties out there who didn't get quite the Valentine's Day you wanted... this just goes to show that someone out there is worse off.  
  
--Mel  
  
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Title: Bad Advice (AKA If You Wanna Know)  
  
Author: M of M&Em-chan  
  
Category: Humor (like I do anything else)  
  
Archive: yes, please!--just tell me where you want it...  
  
Pairings: 3+4, 2+everything, 1+2 (4x3 hints)  
  
Warning/Label/Disclaimer: P.O.V, OOC, nothing bad... a little shonen ai, hinted yaoi; the 4^th wall is utterly demolished; I tend to make up words when I'm in a corner; the guys aren't mine, but you knew that already, you cheeky monkey ^_~ "#####" is for a short flashback  
  
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**shakeshakeshake**  
  
**rattletap**  
  
**scroungepaw**  
  
**crunchmunch**  
  
...  
  
**shakeshakeshake**  
  
I'm going insane. There's no other way around it... I've got to be crazy to put up with this.  
  
**shake**  
  
STOP IT ALREADY!  
  
"I just love me some cashews, Hee-chan. Want any?" Duo holds out his hand, one tiny fragment resting on his salty palm. "They're good for ya... in moderation."  
  
With a miniscule sigh, I shake my head and turn slightly away, throwing all my concentration onto the screen. It's some terrible late-night movie marathon... I swear they're showing nothing except pre-colonial garbage. The fact he's still sitting there in utter bliss, chortling frequently and noshing those damnable nuts, is testament to the depth of my patience and affection for him. I love him so much---  
  
**shakeshake**  
  
I'm going to kill him.  
  
Well, I guess it's love. Maybe it's only lust, but right now I'd settle for either. My first-hand experience with the "softer" emotions is very limited, but I've been doing some research: watching different media, posing questions, observing the daily interactions of couples, investigating hypothetical situations. A lot of it is confusing, but I think that's one big component of true love. Nothing is quite what it seems.  
  
In one candid moment with Wufei last week, he confessed that for most of his short-lived marriage, he and his wife yelled at each other and could barely stand to be in the same room. No matter how vicious their words, there was always an underlying sense of respect and fondness. He didn't say as much, but I could tell that her death destroyed an important part of him. You put yourself on the line when you care about someone... I know I'd be lost if I didn't have someone to rely upon. Even if all he's good for is to natter on when I'm having a serious moment of personal crisis.  
  
"This click is a classic--nothing like the original `Swamp Devil of Bikini-Babe Paradise Vs. the Bubbling Slime's Bride from Deus X' to showcase cinematic photography. Sure you don't want something? More chips... a soda..."  
  
A very naked Duo strapped to my bed? Yes, I'll take one of those. Oh, who am I kidding? There's a huge gap between the slightly possible and the completely absurd. Without a doubt, I'm slipping.  
  
"No? Suit yourself."  
  
**shake**  
  
"Must you?"  
  
"Yeah, Hee-chan. It's the only way to make sure I get all the good ones. Ya gotta agitate it and the bigger nuts come to the surface. See."  
  
So __very__ true...  
  
**rattle**  
  
"Macadamia! Cool."  
  
"Why don't you just buy the individual kinds you like, instead of wasting money on an unnecessary assortment? There must be five cans in the pantry half-filled with just ragged peanuts." I almost yelled at him. Not a good sign. I definitely don't want to spook him if I'm going to make any move... after all, that's why I'm mulching my brain with this twaddle.  
  
Maybe it's time to call it a night? No, I'd just spend hours tossing and turning, thinking about him sprawled on the sofa--  
  
**munchmunchsnarf!**  
  
And those cursed nuts!!!  
  
Taking a deep breath, I try to calm down and proceed with part 2 of the Plan. Yes, it does deserve the capital letter... especially after all the nonsense I had to sift through in its formulation.  
  
Once I'd figured out that my reluctance to shoot him was due to some amount of affection, I had just one simple question: how do I show Duo how much he means to me. Who better to ask than someone as uncomplicated as Trowa? Unfortunately, he's rarely without that blonde pest, so his interjections seriously hampered the session. For all that money, the boy doesn't have the brains of a coconut.  
  
######  
  
"So you care deeply for him?"  
  
**nodnod**  
  
"And you want to tell him, but you don't know how..."  
  
"You could always throw him down on the couch and ravish him. I doubt he'd misunderstand that."  
  
"I'm not sure Duo would like that, bunny."  
  
**mumblemumble** (translation: You did.)  
  
"Well **fidget** different people have different tastes. Just spend some time with him, find out what he likes, and try to take an interest in his hobbies. Sharing is a large part of a lasting relationship."  
  
"Yeah, take him to a good movie, buy him loads of popcorn as a temporary distraction, and kiss him breathless. __Then__ you can ravish him."  
  
"Quatre!"  
  
**pout** "You __can__ wait until you get home to ravish him. Those theatre seats can get really uncomfortable."  
  
######  
  
After ten more minutes of that, I slunk away with one salvaged notion: kissing isn't a bad idea. Like a hug, it's a physical act with many meanings. Depending on the tone of it, a kiss can be a sign of friendly greeting, familial devotion, or a soul-searing promise between two lovers.  
  
I've done the dutiful friend bit, otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to this vegetational evening. Now for the other part...  
  
I, Heero Yuy, will kiss Duo Maxwell.  
  
And not like a brother, either.  
  
Now, before you start to think fireworks, twittering birds and plate tectonics, let me assure you that if anyone ever compiled a list of the world's greatest smooches and preserved it in the Heavens with stardust, "Yuy's first snog" would definitely be hidden in Pluto's shadow, hanging out with a frozen puff of hydrogen and "Talk show host greeting plague-victim guest."  
  
Not quite as slowly as I might have done (otherwise I could lose my nerve), I lean over him, close my eyes and float forward until my pursed lips make contact. Oh god, I've totally missed his mouth. At least it's not his ear.  
  
Hopefully creeping toward the centre of his face, I slide along in a most sensual (therefore embarrassing) manner. I rest one hand lightly on his thigh. Maybe it's a sofa cushion---I'm not sure, what with all the blood pounding in my head.  
  
Anyway, I nibble and lick my way to the corner of his lips. Hmm... a little salty, but not too bad. Now to square everything up.  
  
**bonk**  
  
Noses! Whoever designed noses out to be drug out into the street and shot.  
  
Blushing incandescently, I press a little harder. Okay. Now what? Maybe a bit more nibbling... that was pretty good before. I dart my tongue out in apology to swipe across his lower lip in case the bite was too harsh.  
  
Wait a minute! Why hasn't he done anything in response? Is he horrified? Confused? Asleep?  
  
I pull back, my eyes fluttering open, to inspect his rapt visage. Light from the television flickering over his relaxed form, he pops another cashew into his mouth and crunches happily.  
  
"Wow!"  
  
At least I made some sort of impression, albeit delayed.  
  
"They're showing the director's cut! I've never seen that."  
  
Maybe I should have listened to Quatre after all.  
  
~~Owari 


End file.
